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Archive for May, 2011

Following wide-spread media coverage, we at the Mad Hatter Times are proud to re-hash & report that Ethiopia has solved its food crisis, Muammar Muhammed al-Gaddafi has turned a Mother Teresa, world unemployment rates now resemble Katrina’s size zero……In short all the problems of this world and the next have been solved, resolved and dissolved beyond dispute thanks to the Osama Bin Laden’s death, following close on the heels of the Royal Wedding.

Elsewhere in a move bound to bring joy, light & happiness in the lives of Tamils’ worldwide, T R Rajendar has promised to stop acting in Tamil films thanks to his rapidly expanding fan base in Hollywood, after a recent facial surgery considerably reduced the South Indian bombshell’s  resemblance to a full-grown panda. Even as Hollywood critics groan in dismay at India’s unleashment of its secret weapon of mass disruption, the actor was heard to say, “I go Hollywood, because I love Kollywood, I go North, because I is South.”

As further proof of the fact that the world’s problems are solved, “rationalist“ Mr M Karunanidhi in a dispute with his sons, sons-in-laws, daughters, daughter-in-law, nephews, nephews’ sons, wives & companions has disowned one & all concerned & exchanged his yellow shawl for saffron robes at the Vellore Golden Temple; dogging the footsteps of the superstar to the Himalayas.  Ms J Jayalalithaa has of course forfeited all her claims to green shawls, the Kodanadu estate, Jaya TV, Jaya News and V N Sudhakaran (in the face of media claims that she had done this years before).

In another stirring development, Lalit Modi has been re-named as IPL Commissoner, following a news poll that the majority of India finds him more entertaining that the combination of Poonam Pandey & cricket.

In a breaking news report, which is a Mad Hatter Times exclusive, we report breaking news that Prime Minister Manmohan Singh has abdicated the high seat in favour of Mr Lal Krishna Advani on the premise that being a stooge of the government or Madam Sonia is a uni-lateral, bi-partisan issue that has to be supported by all parties. Soniaji has of course been given the Padma Shree for pulling off this stellar example of horse trading.

In another startling development, the Karnataka Government has decided to publish meteorological reports free of cost to the Tamil Nadu Government, in a spirit of cooperation and camaraderie to help the TN government file its 35,000 page reports on the Cauvery dispute. This move has been welcomed by the Ministry of Environment & Forests, which has been facing severe criticism with the felling of thousands of trees; needed for the compilation of Arundhati Roy’s 50,000,000 page report on Maoists in the tree-denuded jungles of India.

The Ministry of Tribal Welfare, in a move to conserve forests and curb the activities of Arundhati Roy’s has banned The Hindu, The Outlook & Tehelka from re-publishing Ms Roy’s reports – a move which has been welcomed by the Readers’ Circles of all leading newspapers even as it has dented the profits of the publishing & paper industry.

Now, we will take a short-commercial break, before we continue our coverage of how the world’s problems have been solved because President Obama sorry Osama is dead.

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I think political opponents and their deaths are the opposite of what Wilde had to say about relative’s deaths

“Relations are simply a tedious pack of people who haven’t got the remotest knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die.” – Oscar Wilde

Whereas, political opponents can always be depended upon to know how to live & when to die very timely deaths.

I mean just when George Bush’s popularity ratings are on a downward swing you have 9/11 & the Iraq war as Weapons of Mass Distraction to help the king of the White House climb up the popularity ladder. And then again as American death counts mount (I mean we all know Iraqi, non-white deaths don’t matter like in the words of General Tommy Franks “We don’t do body counts”) and the mood in America chills, we have the capture of Saddam Hussien — to help stem that flood of criticism about the oil rat pack that was scourging the Iraqi countryside.  And then some more months down the line, when it seemed Uncle Sam’s love for Halliburton, Veritas Capital, Washington Group & Environmental Chemical was hitting too many headlines, we have the hanging of Saddam Hussein.

But then wars serve very useful purposes. Apart from ensuring that a lot of private companies profit from “Wars of Terror” & “Axises of Evil” they also help the politicians — the companies backed to power — soar heights of popular adulation from well-meaning, but misguidedly patriotic citizens.

In India, we played the same Blame Game – Game, Set & Match!!! Feb 1999 – Pakistan begins occupying posts on the Indian side of the LOC. Elsewhere in the country, the AIADMK withdraws support to the NDA government tottering on the brinks of hell. And just when things seem to be going really bad, we employ our own “Weapons of Mass Distraction” and have the brainwave to “Attack Pakistan” as late as July. Never mind, that no had given a damn about Pak for all those months they had happily been occupying India’s LOC posts. Our politicos can be trusted to fall on the time-worn game of “Blame Pakistan” for everything going wrong in India. If one doesn’t watch out we’d soon have a uber-sober Vijaykanth blaming Pakistan for the Cauvery issue or maybe Rajinikanth blaming Pakistan for the non-take-off of his pet inter-linking-rivers theory.

Even the announcement of LTTE Prabhakaran’s death in a way seemed well-timed (May 13, 2009-Last phase of elections; May 16-results; May 18-announcement) – almost as if someone had orchestrated the safe completion of the election process in India; almost as if someone had feared the drastic effects of Prabhakaran’s death on the pollscape of Tamil Nadu (the strain on DMK-Congress ties, Jaya’s electoral advantage).

And now with Osama Bin Laden,

The Independent reports:

“The successful mission to kill Osama bin Laden will give a much-needed boost to President Barack Obama’s flagging popularity ratings. The world leader, who stressed his personal involvement in the events leading to bin Laden’s death, has seen his popularity with US voters fall significantly since his election to the presidency in November 2008.News of bin Laden’s end came little more than a month after a Reuters/Ipsos poll found that only 17% of Americans regarded President Obama as a strong military leader.”

Need I say more?

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