Posts Tagged ‘Jesus Calls’

As a kid I remember I was fascinated with Westerns, and started using swear words just to sound grown-up. What I got in return was sharp slaps from my parents for using words like “Damn, hell’s a fire, Jesus…” Of course, I mended my manners soon. When I asked my parents why I shouldn’t say Jesus, they said “I was not to use the name of God in vain and especially not as profanity.”

I stopped doing that, but couldn’t stop myself from wondering (as a teen) if it was ok for pastors do so. You see pentecostal church sessions are quite long – about three to four hour in length.

So when they run out of ideas on what to pray or preach, they start the chant: “Halleluah! Halleluah! Praise the Lord! God is Great! Jesus! Jesus! Jesus! Come down Lord! Come down! Move with us! Ur precious Lord Lesus! Precious Lord Jesus! Jesus! Jesus! Save me Lord! Halleluah! Halleluah! Halleluah! Halleluah! Halleluah! Halleluah! Jesus! Lord above all! Jesus! Jesus! Jesus! Jesus! Jesus! Jesus!”

And for a little fun, try recalling all the Jesus Ministries you’ve heard of

  • Jesus Redeems
  • Jesus Calls
  • Jesus Comes
  • Jesus Cares
  • Jesus Saves
  • Jesus Restores
  • Jesus loves
  • Jesus Works
  • Jesus Youth
  • Jesus Alive
  • Jesus Ministries Trust
  • Love of Jesus Ministry
  • Gift of Jesus Ministries
  • Ministry of Jesus
  • Jesus Driven Ministry
  • Jesus People Ministry

List is too long?

When the Full Gospel Ministry started, a lot of Pentecostals were annoyed.

I remember my grandmother asking in the AG Church Ladies Bible class, “Who do they think we are? We preach half the gospel? Or a half-baked gospel?”

There are also other institutions like the MCC Matriculation Higher Secondary School in Chetpet, which actually expands to Madras Christian College Matriculation Higher Secondary School in Chetpet.

Even Indian, Christian names are so funny and long, because parents try to strike a balance between Indian and Christian sensibilities. Being Indian, they have to name the kid after some grandparent or some rich guardian so that they don’t risk annoying them. And then they have to give the kid a Christian name or multiple Biblical names.

So my grandfather’s name was Ernest Esudasan Chandran Emmanuel Job.

My grandmother’s name was Mrs Abarahanam Vedavathy Ernest Esudasan Chandran Emmanuel Job. But her name became a misnomer after her marriage. Turning pentecostal soon after her honeymoon, she had to part with all her jewels (Abarahanam in Tamil), as the church patriarchs felt a good Vedavathy (Vedavathy- Tamil for Biblical woman) should not wear abarahanams.

My Dad’s name was pretty long – David Prabhu Dayalan Job. So my Mom, who didn’t feel upto changing her name in her bank accounts and gazette and adding on a string of other names to her already long name, remained – Mrs Sheila Lilian Sundaram. I was supposed to be Rachel Chitra Chinky Job. But since the TN govt and the Matric Board felt all students writing the 10th standard Matric Board Exam should have initials, not sir names, I became Ms D.Rachel Chitra. And being a feminist I have remained Ms D.Rachel Chitra, despite marriage and atheism taking a prominent place in my life.

Also Christian rhyming names are so funny. I remember my friends – Anne, Johnie, Johnny. Their parents had named the three siblings – Anne Gracia, Johnie Patricia and Johnny…(shucks! I forgot)

The other set of rhyming siblings, was my college friend’s melanie’s sisters. The trio was Melanie, Melody and Harmony – a take off on the popular ad jingle for Melody chocolates.

On my mother’s side we have an aunt, who had an ignonimous name and died early in life (I don’t if the two incidents have the relationship of cause and effect). Anyway this trio was named – Violet (the lucky one!), Poilet (Bad enough! worse follows) and Toyilette (Horror of horrors).

There was another Christian friend of ours, who really like the letter R – so in resonance with the rules of alliteration – she named her four daughters – Rebecca, Rachel, Ruth and Rhoda…..the list of all the R-named females in the Bible.

Rachel Chitra

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Yeah! I could’nt believe it. But there’s proof from the Dinakarans . Now everyone knows nasty Satan is out to lure your kids away from Christ and into drugs, TV, dating, alcohol, cigarettes, etc. So what do you do….

You have many options:

a) You can make the following minimum pledge according to your place of residence: India Rs. 2000 US $ 200 (Now since most of you can’t spend time praying for your own kids, get the staff @ Jesus calls to pray for them. )

b) For parents too poor to cough up 2k for prayers, we have installments!

c)And for those who have wads of dough, the Dinakarans urge you to

“Kindly do not stop your contribution towards the Young Partner Plan after the pledge as 50% of our Young partners do. By contributing regularly every month towards this plan you will receive the new mercies from God every day for the month according to Lamentations 3: 22,23 and also the number of souls saved because of this ministry will be added to your account (not your bank account dumbo). So, your reward on earth and in heaven will be great.
Be assured that you are always surrounded by the effectual prayers of the Dhinakarans and the prayers of our anointed Prayer Warriors who put forth your prayer requests before the throne of God and intercede daily on your behalf in the 24 hours Prayer Tower. “

Yeah, don’t stop sending money, as 50% of the other youngsters with short-term memory loss. Keep sending the notes in so that the Dinakarans don’t forget you in their prayers.

And the point of sale: Since you continue to sin, we will continue to intercede on your behalf, say the dinakarans. Let me get their twisted logic straight: If what the Dinakarans say is right, then they can afford their AC super-deluxe homes, BMWs and Rolex watches only if people keep sinning and calling Jesus calls.

So if everyone gets converted and the whole world becomes Christian, the Dinakarans might not have a penny to call their own. Wow! What a solution to all the world’s problems. Guys stop sinning, stop feeling guilty and we won’t have millionaire preachers like Benny Hinn, Joyce Meyer & Pat Boone ranting on our TV sets.

Prayer Warriors (PW) – The inside scoop from a couple of prayer warriors @ Jesus calls.

Little known facts about prayer warriers:

*The PWs do night shifts just like BPOs, to keep the cash counters ringing, sorry I meant the prayers 24-hours non-stop.
*The PWs have females too. So if you have marital troubles and are female, u’d have female PWs conselling u on the need to be a christian wife and obey and submit to your tryanical, overbearing MCP husband. If you were a man, you’d have a male PWs telling you were the head of the family and you wear the pants at home.
*The PWs get payed Rs 2000 a month. And they handle on an average 60 calls a day. So imagine 60 X Rs 2000 (the amount the hapless parents pay for prayers for their deviant kid) means Jesus calls gets Rs 1.2 lakhs a day from one PW. Say, Jesus calls has 50 workers, then its earnings that day is Rs 60 lakhs. And their earnings per month is Rs 18 crores……Whopee! Running a Christian BPO to handle prayers is serious good business.

Rachel Chitra

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